


The weight of family and the pull of gravity

by sabrina



Category: Star Wars Legends: New Jedi Order Era - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, I have written Tenel Ka so very little please be kind to me, Missing Scene, That reunion we should have had, We'll say that anyway, Why do they hate us in Destiny's Way?, probably canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 15:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10969890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabrina/pseuds/sabrina
Summary: Following the Jedi ceremony and the festivities after, Jacen wanders the buildings, and Tenel Ka finds him.





	The weight of family and the pull of gravity

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time there was a book called _Destiny's Way_ , and they _told_ us in that book that Tenel Ka Djo and Jacen Solo were in the same place at the same time, but they didn't show us and everyone knows that's terrible writing form, so this is my attempt to fix that.
> 
> Thanks to Briege for beta-ing Tenel Ka for me.

Jacen had stumbled into the enclave mostly by accident. He'd thought he was headed for the exit and he'd found himself instead walking into what felt like a secret courtyard. It wasn't much larger than their living room in Coruscant had been, but the walls stretched up four stories until they were covered by a transparisteel roof that kept the frequent Coral City rains from sneaking in. As he stepped into the space, momentarily grateful for the quiet, Jacen wondered if the roof had been a decision made to benefit the local Mon Calamari, or a decision made with tourism in mind. After all the planet had so much water and while that was comfortable to the native species the floating parts of Coral City were where they met with others who were less fond of the constant damp than were the Mon Calamari. 

He looked up, scanning the walls, lost in the moment of comparisons between worlds. Ackbar had spent so much of his time away from this planet and that must have been challenging for him. As much so as it was for the government that had run here in the shadow of Coruscant's fall was now displaced here. He frowned, placing a hand gently on the moss that grew in the moist air despite the dry roof. As he reached out to it, stretching into the Force he could feel the life there. It was considered small and unimportant by any terms that would matter to sentient beings, but it was still life and Jacen couldn't help the smile that came to his lips as he waded into the Force and let it swirl around him for a moment. 

The day had held so many people: friends and fellow-Jedi: family and politicians: well-wishers and skeptics. It had been at once satisfying, and a reminder that Jacen wasn't certain if he really fit in anywhere. It largely felt like noise, and yet, perhaps important noise. Intellectually he could understand that it mattered to the galaxy and to morale and to hope. But emotionally it had mattered far less than being able to connect to the Force again when he left Coruscant. And there were moments when he still felt that there was some piece of something that he ought to have found by now. After everything that had happened this year… sometimes it felt the best he could do was simply to follow Vergere's advice and choose to act around that empty space. 

He would be lying if he didn't also admit that Vergere was on his mind in that moment. Her interest in what he had told her about Danni and the scientists findings had made him start wondering what it was he was missing. She had given him a riddle and the most frustrating part of it was that he wasn't certain if it was important now, or if it should be put away to consider later when he was meditating. 

Jacen wandered further into the enclave following the stone path that was laid out in an S shape. In the empty spaces there was greenery, in one space a small cafe table and chairs, another held a stone bench, yet another a statue of someone that Jacen suspected he would recognize if he knew local history.

He wondered if the galaxy would look different if the government had not always been on Coruscant. If Coral City had always been the capital of the Republic, what would that have looked like? Or what would it look like if the government spent time on different worlds? It was impractical perhaps - the buildings and infrastructure required for the Senate was massive - but he felt as if being here and the small ways it was discomforting, from the constant humidity that left his hair curling at the base of his neck, to the simple lack of knowledge of local customs and important people, left him in a place to hold more empathy for the Mon Calamari on Coruscant, or really any people who left their home world to come and live in a place that was second nature to someone like him or his mother. 

The next curve merged into a switchback and Jacen realized as he walked around it that it was taking the path into an even more private courtyard, separated from view of the other by a large flowering bush of some sort. And here it ended in a circle stone courtyard, surrounded by walls that went straight upwards, and a fountain in the center that sent the sound of moving water throughout the space. Windows and even doors opened out in the walls above. A few small balconies with no room for anything but a chair and a few plants jutted out from the walls far above his head, but no one was here now, the space was Jacen's own for the moment, and he was glad of the quiet.

Jacen stepped forward, dipping his fingers into the running water and allowing it to wash over his hand. He could have likely felt the water rushing around him in the Force if he wanted to, but for the moment he held back and allowed his mind to instead run through the events of the day. 

Maybe it wasn't just here that he felt as though he didn't fit. Maybe he no longer would anywhere. And being content with that was a never ending decision that Jacen couldn't help but feel he was still learning to do well. His Uncle had told him to keep asking questions, and he had every intention of doing so. For a moment, his brother's voice echoed in his mind: _When you figure it out I hope you'll let me in on it._

His brother who should have been here today. 

Anakin had been larger than life on that stage, and somehow Jacen had made it through the pomp, the circumstance, the theater of it all, without a tear, but the ache existed yet. Anakin would have wanted it far more than Jacen did. It should have been Anakin on that stage. Anakin was more of a Jedi than Jacen suspected he would ever be. And somehow he knew that clearly now in a way he hadn't realized it before. Maybe it was just that the harsh spotlight of death had illuminated things he had been able to ignore before. Then again, that was perhaps a wrong footed way of looking at it: he and Anakin had never been meant to be the same type of Jedi. And perhaps that had been no more a slight against his brother than it was a slight against himself now.

"Are you hiding Jacen Solo?" 

The familiar voice brought a smile to his lips before he even turned around to lay eyes on the red-haired woman who had somehow remained in the periphery of the entire day even as his awareness of her had been acute. 

"If I was, then you've interrupted my solace," he pointed out as he took a moment to really catalog the changes that his friend had endured in the time he'd been away.

Tenel Ka Djo looked as stunningly self-assured as she always had even when they were teenagers back on Yavin IV, mere learners of the Force. But where before her style had always felt like a warrior, the woman in front of him now wore clothing that was far more sleek and suitable of royalty. A diadem set upon her hair, the Jedi robe she'd been given rested on her shoulders, as unusual a sight on her as was Jacen's own robe. But sleek robes and royal crowns aside, you could not take away the way that she carried herself, like a warrior who knew every one of her abilities. 

She was certainly Queen now. And outside of costume changes, her cheekbones were more defined maybe, her face looked less like a girl's and more like a woman's. She had always carried herself with confidence and authority, even when she'd been a girl, far more confidence than Jacen had ever felt in himself. Maybe it was one of the things he'd almost envied her - wanting some piece of that certainty for himself - and if he were close enough to her, he could be bolstered into having it. 

"I can go," Tenel Ka raised an eyebrow mildly. 

"You'd better not," he returned immediately, turning to step towards her, coming up to stand directly in front of her and offer her a smile, and a welcome to stay. 

There were very few people he would want here. After a day surrounded by people, Jacen hadn't been looking for the retreat purposefully, but now that he had found it he had no desire to go back to people: But Tenel Ka was not the others. 

"Queen Mother, huh?" He felt suddenly unreasonably worried that things would have changed too much: that Tenel Ka had become the Others. It was irrational, but it didn't stop the joke from coming out anyway: "I'm gone for a little while and everyone gets delusions of grandeur."

Tenel Ka didn't laugh, but Jacen was used to it, and it had been a bad line. He knew it at least, and there was something comforting in the way her eyebrow arched up as her expression remained otherwise unchanged. Then her eyes softened unexpectedly, and it was not at all unwelcome. 

"It is unspeakably good to see you, Jacen." 

"Did you follow me here?" He asked, stepping forward once again and putting himself within distance of reaching out to take her hand. 

The last time he had seen her, really seen her and spoken with her in the way that they had so frequently done, had been Myrkr. They had been in the middle of something they couldn't see the end of and his worries had been so different. He had been a different person then, and now he was standing in front of her and he wondered if she could see that and if their friendship would withstand the changes or, as he had felt so frequently upon return, it would feel like starting over again to try to find footing. 

"I was coming around the corner in time to see you step in here. There have been so many faces today - but not yours - not yet, and I wanted to speak to you." 

There was something almost vulnerable in the admission - at least for Tenel Ka - and Jacen reached forward to grab her hand. "I agree," he offered. 

"You are not mad I have interrupted you?" This question was asked with a smile that told Jacen she knew the answer even as she asked it. 

"Far from," he offered a lopsided grin in return. "And who is likely to find us here?" 

He tugged on her hand, pulling her across towards the fountain where he sat down on the edge of the stone, and she followed his lead easily, and a rush of confidence filled him like the water from the fountain bubbling up and splashing down.

"I'm serious though, you are queen now, and -" he brought his eyes up to her face. He had never thought about what might happen when such a thing happened. From everything he had been able to put together, it meant that she had more or less shifted away from the Jedi Order. Hapan politics were even more of a challenge than Tenel Ka's emotional state, something he had more practice at and yet, was less adept at trying to figure out than he would admit to. 

"And I need your friendship as much as ever," Tenel Ka returned matter-of-factly. "A year apart from each other does not change that." 

Jacen breathed out and shrugged lightly. "We've both changed so much Tenel Ka." 

"Tell me?" 

The question was unanticipated, and the simplicity of it caught him off guard. For a moment he watched her and considered how to answer it. There were things he had told Luke, and other things he'd kept quiet, and when he'd come back it didn't feel as if anyone could entirely see what he had been through. 

They all had their own hopes and beliefs and needs resting on what he told them, and those views seemed to impact disproportionately what they could understand of what he said. Luke's skepticism of Vergere, for instance, meant that Jacen found himself quietly holding onto things he didn't know how to share with his Uncle - afraid that it would push him or Vergere further out. He had told himself there were things Luke didn't need to know, but at times he wasn't entirely comfortable with that. It just seemed the best way to handle it in the moment, and in a future moment that might change. 

But Tenel Ka's question felt like truth - not a trick or something he needed to navigate around - but something solid. 

"It felt like being reborn," he offered. It wasn't a truth he hadn't dared to tell anyone else, but it also seemed the most efficient way to describe his year in captivity. "After they caught me, Vergere was put in charge of me. She was a Jedi once, she knew my Grandfather," Jacen moistened his lips and shook his head. "But she was working within their framework, because that was where we were. And I don't know a better way to put it Tenel Ka, because everything was stripped out and away and I was left with just… the only things that really mattered. And not the Force, not… the Jedi… not any of that. Just me." 

"Not the Force?" 

"It was suppressed around me."

"That is why no one could feel you?" Tenel Ka seemed unphased by what he'd told her, and Jacen relaxed further.

"I assume yes. I couldn't reach the Force so it makes sense that is why nobody could feel me. I know everyone thought I was dead." 

"We did," Tenel Ka's voice sounded strange in Jacen's ears, and he looked up. "You are a terrible prankster, Jacen." 

His eyes widened slightly and then he laughed. "Are you making jokes now? Because we really have changed if that's the case." 

" _You_ less than you think," Tenel Ka chuckled back. "You are still only waiting for the opportunity to make terrible jokes Mr Delusions of Grandeur." 

Jacen laughed and shifted his hand in Tenel Ka's, sliding fingers against hers and he let himself reach out into the Force, finding Tenel Ka's bright and ever confident presence there, and she met him, and it felt as much like home as anything he'd come back to. 

"If I ever stop making terrible jokes, you will know something is horribly wrong," he suggested easily before pressing his palm against hers and continuing. "Coruscant was… difficult. That's where I ended up. Seeing everything…" he hesitated. "It's all gone, and the people that are left… they're gone too even if they are still alive: It's not life.

"But I learned so much, Tenel Ka. And I understand more about the Yuuzhan Vong than I did before. Enough that… I believe we have a chance to find peace still in all of this." 

"You believe this."

"I absolutely do," Jacen nodded. "I can feel them now. It's… not the Force exactly. It's something else - a vongsense I suppose. It's not unlike the Force though, and I think it will be important, if we can figure out how to apply it. How to…" he thought of the bands on Coruscant, and how at times he wondered if the politicians here were not equally desperate in their own way. "How to not destroy ourselves in our attempt to stay breathing." 

"If anyone can do this, I believe you can." 

"I don't think there is any choice. If we are to survive as a galaxy then we have to find a way to peace before we destroy ourselves as surely as they might destroy us." 

"You will have my support always even if it may come from far away." 

Tenel Ka's words hung in the air, and Jacen wondered how much to read into them. He'd been teasing at the delusions of grandeur, but she was Queen Mother now, and even if he knew it might not have been what she really wanted, it was a choice she had made and Jacen knew absolutely that Tenel Ka would stand behind her choices. He would have her do no differently, even if part of him wished she was still just a Jedi like him. For a moment he wondered at the possibilities that might present themselves if she were. Jaina had teased him about Danni, and he liked Danni, but he had known Tenel Ka for so much longer.

He had questions, but no easy way to voice them so for a moment he stayed silent and glanced down at their hands pressed together. It was easy to be all too aware of the feel of her palm against his, and the sense of her life in the Force, and maybe it was the day leaving him overly sensitive to everything, or maybe it was something else. Maybe he wanted to feel all of it. For so long it felt like everything had been a weight he'd had to carry. In contrast what he felt now made him instead feel weightless. It might carry him. He wanted to dive in head first, to _play_. Not that this was reasonable. But… 

"Queen Mother - How is it?" 

It wasn't the question he wanted to ask. Or at least, it lacked articulation of his feelings, and how he wanted to know everything that had happened to her in their separation. It didn't really speak to how much he wanted to know her in ways they'd only begun to peek at a short time before the war, before she'd become queen, and before he suspected things had gained a great deal of complication. 

"It is my duty," Tenel Ka offered matter-of-factly.

"No, that's not what I mean at all," Jacen shook his head, aware he was interrupting her, but for the moment not caring. "I don't want the line you give to everyone, Tenel Ka. I don't want the line you give yourself, because you knew you had to, because it was part of who you are." 

"That isn't -"

Jacen raised his eyebrows. "No? Cause I know the look and feel of that line Tenel Ka. I've used it." 

She moistened her lips. There was no other sign of acquiescence to his words. For once Jacen didn't feel obliged to fill the silence. It was an odd sensation, really, because so frequently in the past he'd felt like he rambled on around her, even when he had nothing to say. But just now he had said something - it had been something he'd meant and he felt was the right thing to say - and what was there more to say? He didn't need to prove anything and the silence didn't feel uncomfortable. He let it live. 

It was Tenel Ka who eventually ended it: "It's lonely." 

He let the words settle in the courtyard for a moment before he looked up to catch her gaze. He nodded filling in blanks of what he could suspect. "Everyone knows who you are. Everyone has an agenda, or… a _potential_ agenda. Even your family at times." 

"Perhaps even especially my family," her lips tilted up. "This is Hapes after all." 

Jacen mirrored her smile back at her. "I have no agenda, Tenel Ka, except that you have someone you know you can talk to through all of it." 

"That is what a person who had an agenda would say," Tenel Ka pointed out with an arched eyebrow, but her hand snuck back into his. "But you I believe. It is a precious gift Jacen Solo." 

Jacen felt his chest tighten strangely, and with his free hand he reached up and pushed a hair back from her face. It was a gesture more intimate than he'd ever really tried, a test to see perhaps if she'd pull back from it. When she didn't he asked instead: "How long do you have today?" 

"I must be back on my ship in four hours. The Queen cannot be away long. To accept this invitation was a risk of itself. But when I knew you were here and alive. I could not turn it down." 

He realized just how much he wished he could convince her to spend longer, knowing that she would never agree to it, and he couldn't ask for that same reason. He understood duty well enough, after all, and the particular weights that it carried. And he would support her in this duty outside of his own emotional protests. 

And in reveling in the entire moment was showing him there was emotional protest a plenty. He didn't want to let her go again without any clear knowledge of when they would meet again. There was an open longing for those easier days back on Yavin IV when they'd had so much time, and he'd wasted too many moments there. But those moments were as impossible to bring back as the Coruscant apartment he'd sat in, arguing with his brother's ghost. What they had was this moment. 

_This moment._

He leaned forward to catch her lips gently against his own. They opened slightly in surprise, before the pressure shifted back against his and he became aware that she was returning that kiss, deepening it even. Her neck felt like the only place that he could rest his hand and so there it went and for several heartbeats the world spun around only Tenel Ka. 

He was the one that pulled back, needing air or to use the Force to suppress his need for air, a use that he didn't feel he could have made any argument for with his brother. But he did not pull back completely, instead remaining directly in front of her face, his hand still on her cheek.

"I like this you," Tenel Ka untangled her hand from his so that she could bring her fingers up to trace his cheekbone, and then down to slide a finger across the beard which he hadn't shaved yet as his heart pounded so loudly he was certain she must be able to hear it. This conversation had officially gone places he hadn't anticipated, nor did he have any understanding of what it meant. The notion of sending Tenel Ka back to Hapes tore at his heart just a little. It was her choice - it didn't mean he had to like it. But he couldn't imagine what this would mean in the future. Maybe it could mean nothing. 

_This moment_. 

He could only choose how to spend this moment, and he wanted to spend it with her. There had been too many moments he had lived through recently that he had not wanted to spend in the way he had. Could he not delight in spending some in ways he wanted to? Even without knowing what the future could bring?

"Then you'll stay for another two hours," he suggested, hope heavy in his words. 

"I was supposed to meet with an ambassador," she deferred. 

"How essential is it?" Jacen pushed just gently. He would let her go only if he had to, and he would have to, but not just yet, please not just yet. 

"It was not an appointment, just a statement that we would likely see each other later," she spoke the words slowly as if she were turning each other for significance as she did. "He could come to us on Hapes." 

A royal 'us', her people. She had a we, an us, not just her, but for the next hour maybe it could be just her. His heart rushed with hope: "Then you'll stay?" 

"Only if you will tell me everything," she pushed back. "Everything you remember, I want to know it all, Jacen. Every piece of you that has been ran through this fire. The things I will keep for you." 

His fingers found her jawline and he tilted her chin up. He found her in the Force, stubborn and courageous and strong, and her presence reached back, mingling with his and together for a moment, it felt as if they were dancing. He leaned forward to kiss her again in answer to her request. Fingers entwined together, one hand on the back of her neck, he could feel a response to this kiss as if their hearts were beating together. It went on longer with a strength and a warmth and a certainty the first had lacked. 

This time it was she who pulled back, but not in the Force. Her presence in the Force kept wrapped around his, even as she put some physical distance between them. 

"I think the most difficult part of coming back has been trying to figure out where I fit. In a way I envy you knowing, even though I know that where you are has its own struggles." 

"Every path will have its difficult places," Tenel Ka responded. "The only path that may not, is no path that you or I would be happy upon. You will find your way, Jacen. I have every faith in that. You have experiences and knowledge about the Yuuzhan Vong that no one else in this galaxy has, that no other Jedi has. That will be invaluable as we move forward. It is a gift you have to offer." 

"It is," Jacen glanced to the water fountain beside them. "But it is also a gift that has set me apart." 

"Most gifts do," Tenel Ka responded quietly. 

He looked over at her feeling ridiculous, because Tenel Ka would know far more about being set apart than he did. He worried about Jaina, and feared that they might never precisely recover the bond they had once shared, but sitting here in this space, he couldn't help but feel that he and Tenel Ka were strengthening theirs, and that even if the galaxy spread them to opposite ends, they would have that understanding. 

"But not with you," he returned. "With you I feel... like the boy I was and the man I'll be." 

"You are dramatic sometimes Jacen Solo," Tenel Ka dipped her fingers in the fountain and shook water droplets at his face. 

"Hey," Jacen laughed and ducked his head away, feeling a trifle embarrassed at the label, but not enough to take his words back. "I only meant that this feels real." 

"Because it is. And because we are friends and because we always will be whatever gifts set us apart," Tenel Ka returned evenly. "And because perhaps in that setting apart we understand each other better."

Hadn't that been more or less what Jacen had just been thinking? That realisation put a smile on his lips. He leaned forward, dipping his head in close so that as they conversed their words would be lost beyond the sound of the fountain. The things he had to say were only for her ears and Jacen trusted her to perhaps understand what no one else truly seemed able to. At least there felt the possibility of it. For the first time since he'd returned to his previous life it felt just a bit like his previous life. They were two teenagers leaned against a bulkhead, shoulder to shoulder, with their heads nearly touching as they went over the mission they'd just had together. 

Shoulder to shoulder the weight of expectation was something they could carry.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a _Sleeping At Last_ song cause it was my music of choice while writing apparently. And if you want to yell at me about Solo children, I'm on [Tumblr](http://jedihafren.tumblr.com/), and Solo children are among my favorite past times.


End file.
